TRUE COMMENTS FROM SURVIVORS

Ø  They need to be taught intensive communication skills and trauma counseling, as they are often the first point of call. Insensitive communication can cause further withdrawal and feelings of abandonment, for which Doctors need to take responsibility for.
The NHS could not provide me with an appropriate counselor following my 6 year ordeal. After 2 counselors, one student in her final year and a recently qualified young male, i had given up on feeling better about myself. My GP also failed to pick up that I had not completed the counseling sessions, no follow up.

Ø  They need to know that mostly people trained to deal with this have no real conception of how it feels to be us.
That we don’t choose not to sleep we are too scared too.
That medication isn’t always the answer.
That not all counselors are non effective.
That we need ongoing support.
That when a child talks they need to listen to the child not the parent.

Ø  To understand how difficult it is for a child to disclose and to be aware that in most cases the child will try to protect the offender. If I had been asked about it by a doctor when I was very young I don’t know that I would have told. So this is a toughie. I think that one of the most important things is for the child to know that the abuser will not know that the child has spoken about the abuse. The child should always be spoken to in private.

Ø  I have extensive experience with this issue: as a survivor and the mother of a survivor, as a social worker who spent 10 years working clinically with many sexually abused kids, as a professor who has trained social workers for 10 years in this topic, and now as the director of a new nonprofit which reaches out to kids who are being sexually abused in order to educate them and encourage them to choose an adult they trust and tell them of the abuse (JustTell.org).  I know you will all convey the all important symptoms to look for, but here is what I would add:
IF YOU SUSPECT THAT A CHILD IS BEING ABUSED.....tell the parent you need to speak to the child alone (with a nurse present if needs be) and ASK THEM! Our pediatricians need to learn how to be comfortable discussing the topic in age appropriate ways and how to ASK THE RIGHT QUESTIONS.
"I am noticing___. Is anything or anyone bothering you that you could share with me so that I could help you?"

Thank you so much for this opportunity.
Vivian Farmery, MSW
Executive Director
Just Tell
JustTell.org

Ø  I was a shy girl. Who would have lied to her death to protect her father? I feared all. I believed what the manipulator told me, all fathers do this to their girls, it was a part of life, when I questioned him when I got older, he threatened me, if I told, I would never see my mother or brother again, there was always fear, doctors need to talk to patients without parents, tell them that no one is allowed to touch their privates including parents, they need to be told that the father cannot follow through with threats and if they suspect anything further investigation, I don't know about others but I do know that I did everything in my power to protect my father the fears that existed the doctors should be able to question everything and anything.

Ø  All children with re-occurring unexplained tummy-ache should be examined.

All children with reoccurring urine infections should be examined.

All children with frequent constipation should be examined.

All children with frequent diahorea should be examined.

All children with low weight for no reason should be examined.

All children with unexplained weight gain should be examined.

All children with unexplained bruising should be examined.

All babies with severe nappy rash should be examined.

This obviously should be done incredibly carefully so as not to distress the child but this CAN be achieved.

Appointment limits must be changed from the standard 5 minutes to much longer when dealing with child patients. This is VITAL!!

Ø  I would like to ask, how many Dr's are Graduates of Common Purpose? A locum reported us for NAI's and we went through 8 months of Family Court and threatened with forced removal and forced adoption!!

Had it not been for a USA Drs' diagnosis of a medical condition and NHS neglect of the condition causing spontaneous fractures without trauma, we would have lost our American granddaughter to the corrupt UK baby snatching and Kidnap system.

Unfortunately we are now unable to trust any UK Dr, as we have reason not to. Common Purpose is out to destroy healthy families with NO justification.

The UK Dr, who diagnosed NAI's was not even qualified to diagnose or treat our granddaughter let alone accuse us of wrongdoing when they got it wrong and caused her neglect and suffering.

Then there was a "Cover Up". They are incompetent and abusive, not us.

THIS IS APPALLING!! Something needs to be done about it and quickly!

When Doctors are met by an Adult Survivor of Abuse.

It is vital that Doctors know how to treat an Adult Survivor; it’s very difficult for the Adult to admit to being abused in any way. They feel ashamed, embarrassed and frequently very nervous about the reaction they will receive on revelation of what has happened to them. Communication skills are a vital part of giving Survivors the help they need. The Survivor will be watching for reactions of disbelief, so it is vital to remain calm and composed at this stage.

Without stating they have been abused some may simply admit to having nightmares, being unable to sleep, feeling anxious and nervous, and all the signs of some form of Trauma. Doctors need to be able to use the words “Have you been Abused/Raped” without feeling uncomfortable as a Survivor will pick up any uneasiness in the Doctor.

Most female Survivors have fear of being ‘Out of Control’ when having to undergo medical examinations. It is one of the most ‘Triggering’ parts of a doctor’s consultation, especially if it involves internal examinations, therefore it is vital that they are put at ease, and everything is explained in detail before proceeding. The Patient needs to feel comfortable and know that if they say ‘STOP’ the Doctor will do just that.

Also when admitted to hospital overnight or for longer periods it is important that nursing staff are able to ask patients on admission if they are in fact ‘Survivors’! With this knowledge they can assess the needs of the patient to make the stay as easy as possible, many Survivors will have ‘flashbacks’ or nightmares during admissions and it is important that these are dealt with correctly.

Asking a patient ‘what’s that noise about’ or telling them to ‘stop making that noise’ when they wake from such a flashback is NOT going to help! However, making them feel safe and secure is. Allowing them to sit in a quiet corner or space, with company if needed is very beneficial.

If all patients were asked on admission to hospital if they were survivors, then real survivors wouldn’t feel singled out, or different. After all it’s not the Survivors fault in any way, but they have to live with the effects.

Effects of abuse.

There are many possible long term effects that childhood sexual abuse can have on a person, and among any group of abuse survivors there are always people who will react in totally different ways, that, at first can seem to totally contradict each other. I cannot list all of the effects due to there being so many possibilities. The following list is NOT a score list, and if some effects that apply are not on here, it does not distract from the fact that it is how it affects.

Intense nightmares, Flashbacks, Guilt, Depression and Bad Days.
Shame, Self hate, Feeling a failure, Fear of fear, Seeing no way forward, Fear of men, Fear of women, Low self-esteem, Fear of authority, Often feeling "used", Need to feel in control, Jealousy, Fear of other people's motives, Anger (or fear of your own), Agoraphobia, Fear of the dark, Unable to say "no", Sleep problems, Self harm & cutting, Eating disorders, Unreasonable self blame, Feeling suicidal, Drug abuse, Drink problems, Lack of emotions, Isolation, Fear of sex, Prostitution, Masturbation problems, Feeling lost, Sexual identity problems, Relationship problems, Trust problems, Feeling different, Unable to cry,  Always crying, Inability to plan ahead, Financial problems, Panic attacks, Sexual dysfunction, Unable to take compliments, Fear of hurting other people,  Always asking WHY ME?, Need to be perfect,  The need to please other people, for fear of losing their friendship. Need to find some way to push away those that become too close, or mean something, to you before they get a chance to reject you.

Feeling “if people really knew me, they would reject me".

Fear of Medical EXAMINATIONS, Fear of Dentists, Being out of Control.

The above list is in no particular order, and I could as easily of made it much longer. Most of the effects that I have listed I have taken from my own life, though not all. Suffice it to know that the effects of abuse are both widespread and varied. Yet as complicated as life may appear, with many of the problems from the above list, it is surprising how much they are largely interconnected. Even more surprising is how quickly sorting one of them out will largely sort out several of your other problems. The key to it all appears, to me, to be eradicating the guilt/self blame/shame triangle.

To try and address the problems one by one, without removing the key-pin that holds them together will undoubtedly fail. Unfortunately, on that I write from years of experience. For years believing that the abuse was my fault, feeling alone, feeling that it was only females that got abused, so it was only punishment when it happened to me, not really abuse, or it was my fault.

Now, I know that abuse happens all too frequently to males. Although I as one person cannot change the world, by writing about myself, I may be able to change the world for one person. I truly hope so.

I do hope this information is beneficial to The General Medical Council in learning about what Abuse does to a person, it also covers signs to look out for in spotting abuse and is what we as Survivors believe ALL Doctors need to be aware of. It is only with properly trained doctors that we can hope to receive the treatment and help to come to terms with what happened to us.

The CORRECT Treatment of Survivors is Vital.

They should never be ignored or called ‘Attention Seekers’ the last thing a Survivor wants to do is attract attention. Most only go to a Doctor when they have no other choice left open to them, or when they are suffering from unexplained pain and need help. When I finally informed my doctor of my past, I couldn’t talk to him so I passed a poem I had written across his desk and asked him to read. I was watching for his reaction, he sat there straight faced and said ‘oh! You’ve been abused; guess we’d best send you for counseling’?

But the people he referred me to, where used to dealing with bereavement and relationship problems and NOT trained in abuse issues, as a result I was further traumatized by them and still to this day unless I am prepared to pay privately, which I can’t afford to do right now NO further Therapy has been offered to me? 

There is no point suggesting a survivor join a local support group as initially just revealing to their doctor that they need help is hard enough, so to go into a room full of strangers and tell them what has happened would be far too difficult for them to accomplish.

Thoughtfulness and understanding is the key, as is listening to what the survivor needs, and trying to treat the issues they face with compassion is most important.  Treatment includes medication where needed, but also vital, is support and counseling as soon as possible upon revelation. Not a basic 10 week course, but long term counseling for as long as is required, I have been attending therapy privately for some 3yrs now and although it has helped me I feel as did my last therapist, that I still have quite a way to go. Learning to live with being abused and Violated is not easy, it’s not the same as losing a limb in an accident it is totally different and affects each person in a different way. Some people will and can move forward very quickly if the right help is given, whilst others will need help for longer. It is important that this help is available via the NHS as very few can afford to pay privately. It could be means tested so those who can pay something do, but those who can’t are not ignored!